Triggers and Reactions

CW: Dog abuse, dog fighting

On Saturday when I picked up my new foster dog, I was briefed on his history (massive abuse/neglect case with dozens of other pitties) and warned of some aggression towards small dogs and possibly men. We spent all of Saturday decompressing from the shelter anxiety and felt confident enough to try a walk in a public space yesterday afternoon.

Little did I know that another dog owner would allow their golden retriever to approach my dog while my back was turned away and chaos ensued. My foster reacted and went after the other dog. Despite my training and own experiences, panic set in and I froze. In what was probably a couple of minutes that felt painfully long, I could not control him enough to get him to release. Finally, he let go.

I had no idea just how triggering this event would be for me. I found myself in my former life, running down the stairs of my old house, distracting my dog Finnegan enough to get him to release my other dog Murphy from his mouth. We knew Finnegan had been abused in his former home and could be aggressive, but it was an entirely different thing when it actually happened. We specifically sought out training and strategies to use in these scenarios and they worked most of the time. Yesterday, as this incident was happening in front of my eyes, past events came flooding back.

The worst part was my reaction. Or should I say overreaction. This poor thing needed calm and someone who could give him a safe space. Instead, I defaulted to taking him back to the shelter.

I share this because I overreacted and should have taken a few beats, then made a different decision. The entire incident was triggering and it took a good amount of time to process why and how I handled the situation. I also recognize how I immediately went to the most extreme option. I’m not proud of how I handled this situation, but I appreciate having the ability to reflect on it and see how I fall back on these same kinds of patterns in this scenario and so many in my life.

It is my hope that he finds his forever home and that one sleepover with me showed him he is loved and lovable. Meanwhile, I’ve got more work to do on myself when I encounter triggers and react, so I ask for patience and grace as I work through it.